i feel so lonely i could die. it feels like someone is squeezing my heart inside my chest. everything is so pointless. i spend every day alone doing nothing.

my brain is seriously rotting away at this point. i wish i could bury myself in a hobby and forget everything else but i don't even care about anything anymore. how many books have i started and dropped? how many tv shows? how many games? distractions last a total of 5 minutes.

i hate being alive. i hate being isolated and alone. i hate being a coward. i hate being ugly. i hate being stupid. i hate being mentally ill. i hate being useless.

constantly on the verge of tears. nothing has even happened and i'm choking. i just can't let go of anything. i want one day where i'm not fighting with myself, eyes stinging, lump in my throat, full of grief. i feel like everything is a reminder that it's all over for me.

my life has just gotten away from me to an extreme degree... like where has the past decade gone? i feel like no time has passed but at the same time looking back is like seeing a different world. i barely even remember anything from ages 20-now because nothing has happened to me. just a slow downward sinking. nothing stands out in my mind. i feel like i have no particular memories of my adulthood, and barely anything of my teenage years either since i was constantly shut in my room or hiding behind someone. before i was mentally ill i was too busy being ugly.

i'm still cutting myself, i still hate myself, i'm still too scared to do anything about it. every day i wake up and i ache. thinking about my teenaged self is unbearable. thinking about being young is unbearable. i no longer have time to fix myself. i have two more years to die young. i feel as thought something big and important is missing from me. i was born lacking something absolutely essential and without it i am unable to cope with even the most basic parts of living and being a person. every moment of my life for the past decade has been filled with nothing but pure desperation to go back and be a child again, or to be someone else entirely. i don't fit myself. i want to live so badly but i have none of the skills to do so. i'm a loser. i'm worthless.

i am struggling to even find the words to describe how i feel, and how i've felt every second of the past 12 years. i want to feel something that isn't regret. it's too late for me. i am rotten inside. i'm empty. i can't enjoy things anymore. i can't stop looking back. i feel as though i'm hanging onto my childhood by my fingernails.